On July 29, I celebrated my first birthday without K. My mom flew in and surprised me, and friends came out to dinner (honestly, I thought no one would show up). It was lovely, and still my heart was broken. I gave a toast, to thank everyone for coming. I think I said something like "this could have be an impossibly hard day, but you all have made it much easier, so thank you for that." It meant the world to me, to be lifted up like that. And yet...all I wanted was K. To have him be the first to wish me happy birthday, as he had for the past 9 years. To fall asleep trying to match my breathing to the rapid way he would inhale and exhale, sleeping so soundly, but so lightly. To wake up on his chest in the morning, and know the moment I stirred he'd be fully awake. To see the dimples in his smile when he said good morning. These tiny little things. I would have given anything to have one more birthday with him. And I don't know what I will do, friends, on Oct 16, the day that K. would have turned 29. I'm sure it will be something like impossibly, painfully difficult.
Tonight I broke down and cried, hard. It's been a little while, and it caught me off guard. It usually does. This weekend, I am going back to our alma mater for the first time since we graduated. K & I would have gone together, to see his college best friend marry the woman of his dreams. Their save the date card came days before the accident, and K and I discussed how excited we were to go back to the place we met and fell in love, and to see old friends. Some of those friends I saw on Jan 23, the day of K's funeral. Some I have not seen since school. I feel like so many other things, this will be bittersweet. I am glad to be going, to take my mom as my +1 (and for everyone understanding I cannot do these things by myself). But I wanted to be there with K.
Sometimes, I fantasize about how K would have proposed to me. He knew I don't like big and flashy. I like unique, and quiet. I can't stand loud noises, or being overwhelmed by bodies and all their various types of energies. The first time I came with K to NJ, to meet his family, he took me to see the New York City skyline. The thing about the skyline, you can't see it in NYC. Well no duh, you might say. But people seem not to think about it...and it is truly spectacular. It was the first time I had been to the east coast since high school. K took me up in the hills of the Palisades, in the barley warming spring weather, and put his arms around me to take off the last of winter's chill and we watched all the lights sparkle and move and dance in the moonlight. All the bustle and noise looks so still and glorious from the other side of the river.
I liked to think that maybe he would take me back there, on a beautiful summer night. And he would put his arms around me, and we would watch the lights and smell the night air and feel at peace. And after a while, we would get to talking about where we've been and where we were planning to go. And then he would ask me. In my mind, that would have been the perfect way to start my life with the only person I could have wanted to spend it with. I guess I will never know.
So here I am...6 months and a birthday gone by and a wedding coming. Actually, three weddings. And it's not really that much easier. Maybe by some little measure. But my heart is still fickle and unpredictable. I still cringe to think that everyone thinks I am better, doing fine thank you kindly. Except I'm not. And I can't say it all the time, or post about it all the time. I can't even write these blogs because they take so much out of me. But all I want in the world is to be taken away from this. All I want is to not break down under the weight of the reality of my life now. I try not to think about it, because it is still so very hard to comprehend.
There is still exactly 1 television show I can bear to watch, and I have been to the movies once, in February. I don't really remember what I saw. I don't read. I have traveled to try and ease some of my wanderlust, and some of my pain. I would travel for the rest of my life if I could, without stopping. How can I put down roots when my heart has no home? I am still quite lost, and untethered. I wish I knew where I was going, or what or who could help me get there. I wish I knew anything at all. Tonight is a bad night, friends. Not all of them are, but this one has teeth and claws and anger. I feel like I see flashes of K over my shoulder, hear him always just around the corner, just out of my reach. I feel like he is always almost there, always almost back to me. All I want is to bring him back to me.
I will close and say friends, thank you. Thank you for listening, and reading, and talking. Thank you for your time and your patience and your understanding. If you have avoided saying something to me, I wish you would. I appreciate the memories and thoughts and comments. I really do. Anything you say will be less hurtful than saying nothing at all. That is still the worst, because I already feel so alone. So please, don't think you'll say the wrong thing. Just let me know that you remember how I am, and where I am, or where I'm not, as the case may be.
Listening: Sam Smith, Lay Me Down.
Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin,
Where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story
You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it's much too strong...
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