Dear Lovey Face,
I think you would be proud of me. I'm talking with your dad, about what kind of scholarship to set up for you. We both know what you were passionate about. We both know what to do. I think you would be proud because we are doing the best we can. I think you be happy that we are here, living our lives, and remembering you every day. I think you would hug us, and wipe our tears and say, hey now, it's not so bad. I think you'd make a joke and have us all laughing so hard, we'd forget why we were ever sad to begin with. I think you would take me aside and hug me so tight because you would know that's what I needed, and you would kiss me on the forehead, right above my eyebrow, the way you used to do at the beginning of every movie date night, right as the lights got low.
I think you would tell us not to be so mad that this happened to you, because you believed in and trusted God, and you would want us to accept that this was His plan, even if it wasn't ours. I think you would hate to see us in so much pain, and would want to do whatever you could to alleviate it. I think it probably bothers if you, if you can feel that kind of way now, that you can't keep us from hurting. I think you would be proud though, and probably not surprised, at how strong your father is. And your brother too. I think you would be impressed at the man he has become, almost over night. They are all so much stronger than I am, Lovey. I think I am the weakest of us all, those of us you've left behind.
Sometimes I worry that you would be disappointed in me. In the way I cope, the way I am numb, or feel too much. In the choices I make to get through my day. In the way I treat people, or ignore them. In the lies I tell myself to make everything a little quieter when I sleep at night. And then I tell myself not to be silly, because I know you would understand. I know if you were here and I were there, you would do anything and everything you had to do keep your head up. And you would know that I would support and love you unconditionally, because I did in life. As you did for me, in life. And so why should death be any different? Only more intense, I would think. All that love all stored up, and now radiating across galaxies and time and space and things we haven't discovered yet.
It's just that I miss you. I miss you in a way for which my words fail me, which is no small feat (go ahead and laugh at me, always wanting to word smith every essay, and now being at a loss). I miss you in a way that breaks my heart over and over, every time I remember something we hadn't gotten to experience yet. Every time I think of everything I lost. Every time I give myself a chance to feel how empty I am, and how little I care for this world that goes on without you in it. Which is why I know you can't be anything but proud of me...because I am still here. I am still here, living, because I haven't given myself another choice. I know you are up there, or sitting next to me, or everywhere, loving me so hard and how freaking lucky am I for that? How many people get that kind of love? Our kind of love? Of course I wish I had it here with me on earth, but that eternal joint? Lovey, that's some deep shit right there. That's something I hold on to so hard, because only a fraction of the planet gets a love like that. And I don't worry because I know you're watching out for me, with all that love.
And I know when I get up there, you'll be up there too. And we'll be together again one day...and maybe we can take another go at this crazy whirlwind of life, if that's how it all works in the end? And if not, at least we'll be together. I don't have any doubt it works that way...you get to be with the ones who love you most. No past tense about it, because it never ends.
Always,
your Leppy
:*(
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